Things that wake my kid up (AKA the bane of my existence)

Version 2
It only takes 3 seconds of this to realize you never want it to happen. Ever.
  1. The microwave that beeps FIVE TIMES when done cooking. Who needs FIVE beeps to tell them their food is done?! Doesn’t everyone stand 6″ away from it in anticipation of their impending snack anyway, like me?
  2. Creaking floors. I’ve mapped a route from the living room to Pook’s crib that is the least creaky. It requires climbing over objects and a bit of contortion. Totes worth it.
  3. The doorbell. I’m all about Amazon Prime. Anything to avoid the hell hole that is Walmart. Need batteries? Prime it. Coffee pods? Prime that shit. Toilet paper? Prime it like it’s hot. But dear. Lord. Don’t you dare ring that doorbell, USPS. See examples of how to resolve this issue.
  4. Will making noise while getting in bed, getting ready for work, etc. This has happened maybe once. Will is now a silent ninja when the Pook is sleeping.
  5. Me, sneezing. I willingly hold in my sneezes to the point of head-explosion. No problem.
  6. Me, taking a sip of coffee. It’s like a cruel joke.
  7. Stopping at traffic lights. What is it with not being in constant motion that brings this kid back to consciousness? I’ve never been a bigger fan of highway driving. I will take 15 minute detours to the grocery store that’s a mile away in order to avoid stoplights. I heart highway.
  8. Strange women at the mall who choose to loudly remark, “How cute babies are when they’re sleeping?!” Do not talk to me when my kid is sleeping. I will cut you.
  9. Breathing. Or moving. Or just, air. Ugh. Damnit.
  10. There is no #10. The Pook has woken.
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