When Will gets home from work in the evening after a 10- or 12-hour day, he asks how our day was and what we did. Not critical, like, “What did you do all day,” but with genuine interest. Usually my response amounts to something like, “Uh, we went to the grocery store.” I swear I’m busy all. Day. Long. But apart from a baby that’s still alive at the end of the day, I don’t usually have much to show for it, and I’m left wondering, “What do I do all day?”
To sort this out in my brain and offer up some reality to all those hilarious “sample schedules” for babies I see on the internet (mamas, if you want a good laugh, check these out), I thought I’d actually document a typical day.
4AM: My shift begins. The boss is on a tirade already and must be fed. Stat.
4:45AM: Boss is back in his hammock and I think, “He should be good for another 2 hours.”
5:30AM: Boss wakes again, laughing at my previous assumption. Furiously shove a bowl of cereal down my throat while entertaining boss with shininess of spoon. First cup of coffee prepared.
6:30AM: Reheat coffee.
7:30AM: Boss is very tired, but unaware of this. Very angry as a result. Very. Angry. Reheat coffee.
8AM: Boss is fed, bundled, hatted, and in stroller for walk.
8:01AM: Boss falls asleep.
8:05AM: Stop for 2nd cup of coffee.
9:30AM: Return home from walk. Spend 15 minutes trying to avoid creaks in floor so boss will stay asleep in car seat.
9:45AM: Step in wrong spot. Floor creaks – nay – screams. It’s all over. Boss is not pleased.
10-11AM: Playtime with flashcards, books, toys, noise-makers, cat’s tail, random nearby objects that seem to entertain.
11AM: Boss is tired, yet once again, unaware of how to resolve this issue. Feed, rock, feed again, rock again. Lay boss in crib.
11:01AM: Boss wakes and assumes he has been abandoned. Demands to be removed from crib and rocked.
11:10AM: Boss sleeps again. Back in crib.
11:11AM: Boss wakes. Assumes abandonment. Rocked and soothed again.
Repeat 4 more times.
11:35AM: Put boss into crib again and nearly climb in to prevent him from noticing that he’s not being held. Despite best efforts, boss immediately wakes. Decide maybe now is a good time to sleep train. Will let boss cry-it-out.
11:36AM: Quickly run in and scoop up boss from crib. First mom-guilt session of day complete. Maybe sleep train tomorrow?
11:45AM: Quickly inhale lunch while dancing and singing to prevent boss’s boredom.
12PM: Tire from dancing and decide to sit down for 30 minutes to watch HGTV. Boss enthralled by TV. Daily mom-guilt session #2.
12:10PM: Spend 5 minutes attempting to dislodge a hair from boss’s neck roll. Make note to schedule haircut ASAP.
12:15-12:30PM: Stand in front of mirror while boss stares vainly at self, laughing hysterically.
12:45PM: Contemplate eating boss’s cheeks, because they’re just so cute and plump. Refrain from actually eating them.
1PM: Cleaned, clothed, freshly-diapered boss put into carseat to run today’s errands.
1:15-4:30PM: Grocery, post office, dry cleaner visits. Spend twice the time completing these activities as would have been required pre-boss. Create new Olympic sport of feeding boss while pushing cart through grocery store. Boss naps at some point.
4:30PM: Regret wearing necklace today.
4:35PM: Start working on dinner. Recipe states it will take 30 min to prepare. Want to eat at 7:30PM and boss is awake… Yep, better start now.
5-7:30PM: I have no idea. Some combination of food prep, house-cleaning, laundry (which seems to be expanding exponentially – must check into this phenomenon), pet-tending, and entertaining boss.
7:30PM: Will returns from work with bottle of wine (How does he know?!). Dinner is ready. Boss is alive. I remember I haven’t showered.
*Not included in schedule, but did, in fact, happen at some point:
- 7-10 diaper changes, one of which results in boss’s feet entering dirty diaper and requiring deep-clean.
- Tummy time.
- Wiping drool from boss’s chin 397,689,798 times.
- Texting long-distance BFF about mysteries of parenting.
- Taking ancient dog out to pee 5 times, feeding, redirecting to bed 4 times when she is discovered wandering aimlessly in kitchen.